It's time for Home Improvement, with the Anal-Retentive Carpenter!


Hello, and welcome to The Anal-Retentive Carpenter. I'm Gene. And, today, we're going to be building a window box, for our window. Now, what do we need for this project? Well, we need our blueprints here. We need a wide array of tools, and, as always, lots and lots of careful planning. But we know that, don't we? You know, there's an old saying that goes: "The best laid plans of mice and men oft gang aglay." But we don't intend to gang aglay here, now do we? No, we don't. Now, our blueprint calls for us to cut two boards. But it doesn't call for.. a silly, hazardous placement of pushpins. So, let's.. just straighten this out. Take these extras off. We'll just leave the blue ones, because they blend in nicely. Put these nasties over here.

And, of course, our tool belt is loaded and ready for use. Now.. we've got our hammer, our pliers, our tape measure, our awl, clamp, extension cord, screwdriver, and marker. That's H-P-T-A-C-E-S-M. I can remember it by repeating to myself: "Howard Plants Tulips And Chrysanthemums Every Sunday Morning." Actually, I never use my awl, but I need it there to keep the syntax correct.

Now! Let's take a look at our lumber! We have a sturdy plank here. And we have a matching 1x2. You know, choosing lumber is very important, so don't let them rush you at the lumber yard. I picked this piece out in about.. oh.. an hour and forty-five minutes. And.. it's a pretty good board, don't you think? It's not perfect by any means. It has this knot here.. and the grain isn't exactly as uniform as I'd like, and.. oh, there's a little blemish that I didn't see when I bought this. Hmm. Well, I guess we're just going to have to put this little fellow into the kindling box. But. I want to cut that knot off first. Because I don't want that staring back at me from the fireplace.

So, let's clamp our defective timber into our vise, and get it ready to cut. And! How do we cut our board? Well. We remove our saw from our saw sheath. No corrosion on this little darling. And let's uncover our ltitle mini-vac. And, lining up our saw with our thumbnail, we.. cut and clean.. cut and clean.. and cut.. and clean. There. now, this piece is all ready for the fireplace. And this ltitle devil is ready for the trash. Now, how do we discard our wooden refuse? Well, we get our little scrapbasket here, and we remove a scrapbag. Place our scrap inside the bag, fold it over - keeping the corners square - and we staple - once - and twice. Now, of course, there is the problem of the staples punching through our plastic trash bag, but watch this. We get another bag. And.. we slide the first scrapbag in - staples first - like this. [ struggles to get the first bag into the second ] Come on! Get in there, you little demon! [ finally gets the first bag into the second ] There! There he goes! Now! We staple again - but - we do not fold over this time. Staple once - and staple twice. Now, I know what you're thinking: "But, Gene, those staples could burst through that plastic trash bag as well." Well. They can't, and here's why. Because we make a little cuff. [ folds the top of the bag into a cuff, smiles proudly ] That covers the staples. There! Ready for the trash. And this is some wooden refuse we can live with! And this goes back under our workbench.

Al-right. Put my cover back on -- Oh. I'm replacing our mini-vac cozy - and I notice some of you are probably admiring this. I call this my Dust Buster Duster. I made it out of courdoroy, some cotton ribbon, and little macaroni shells. I think - well - it just cheers up the whole appliance!

Alright. Back to our project. Now - we've pre-marked our 1x12 there. And - oh! My, what a bold little mark we are. I think we should take that down with an art gum eraser - which I keep handy - [ starts to use the art gum eraser, then, hitting a revelation, stops and stares at the camera with a sly grin ] Art gum eraser. There's an "A" I use all the time! So we can get rid of this awful awl. I'll just put my art gum eraser in there, but now we have to put this away. So let's get our toolbox. Put that on our table here -- and open it up - now! We have everything arranged in alphabetical order, so - we're gonna have to bump things, because "awl" starts with an "A." And that means our chalk is gonna have to go where "chuck" is. so, I'll just - oh!