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Tryin' to reason with hurricane season #154692
09/09/08 07:27 PM
09/09/08 07:27 PM
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 43
J
jaybird1111 Offline OP
newbie
jaybird1111  Offline OP
newbie
J

Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 43
To: All former Gulf Coasters, current Gulf Coasters, future Gulf Coasters, and/or anyone who knows a Gulf Coaster.

We're in the peak of the hurricane season. Any moment now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be on the Gulf Coast. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for several days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in the Gulf Coast. So we'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE. If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in the Gulf Coast, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.
So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. And, at any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets.
There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages.
(1) Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
(2) Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
(3) Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

HURRICANE PROOFING Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license -- if it in Louisiana, you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with hundreds of thousands other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. But don't buy them now! Gulf Coast tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, and only then do you go to the supermarket so you can join in vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of Spam.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
(1) 23 flashlights.
(2) At least $167 worth of batteries (which will turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights).
(3) Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)
(4) A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
(5) A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
(6) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be cranky alligators.)
(7) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers standing right next to the ocean who will tell you, over and over, how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck and remember: its great living in paradise!

Don’t forget, boat owners, about securing your boat for the storm which typically involves several 220lb 4” storm lines which will smash your hands as you attempt to tie them to something that weighs less than they do when wet. You can later use these swollen hands as fenders, as some of you Gulf Coasters (or you will hire some other Gulf Coast moron) will undeniably have a need to ride the storm out on your boat, equipped with some liquor that will take the varnish off your brightwork, and of course an arsenal that could take out a reasonably sized group of Afghanistani terrorists.

-- Have You Seen This? --
Re: Tryin' to reason with hurricane season [Re: jaybird1111] #154693
09/11/08 11:20 AM
09/11/08 11:20 AM
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 984
2017 F18 Americas Site
Dan_Delave Offline
old hand
Dan_Delave  Offline
old hand

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 984
2017 F18 Americas Site
Thank you Jaybird that is very entertaining. Maybe it is not supposed to be but from the West Coast, land that makes my world move, it is. I should come up with the same kind of report for earthquakes but I am afraid that Nebraska would be over run. On the other hand don't they get tornadoes?

Let's all PANIC because we are all going to DIE!!!

Later,
Dan

Re: Tryin' to reason with hurricane season [Re: Dan_Delave] #154694
09/11/08 03:09 PM
09/11/08 03:09 PM
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 28
Ontario Canada
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Nacra_SQ Offline
newbie
Nacra_SQ  Offline
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N

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 28
Ontario Canada
Some very good survival tips !!!! Up here in Canada hurricane season means good sailing when its not raining !!! we get the odd tail end of the storms with some strong winds ... good times !!! I really can't even think what it must be like to be in the path of a hurricane , not knowing what is going to happen ... its scary .....
The wosrt thing we have to deal with is SNOW !!! and it keeps the beer cold !! so its not that bad !!
Jaybird !!! if you don't want to go to Nebraska ... your welcome up here in Canada !!!! keep safe ..

Re: Tryin' to reason with hurricane season [Re: Nacra_SQ] #154695
09/11/08 03:15 PM
09/11/08 03:15 PM
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 5,590
Naples, FL
waterbug_wpb Offline
Carpal Tunnel
waterbug_wpb  Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 5,590
Naples, FL
Actually, I don't mind hurricanes for that very reason: you can see them coming.

You have at LEAST 2 days forewarning to get ready (or leave)

Tornado, now, that's a different story altogether. Ditto for earthquakes.

There is certainly no fun sitting in a dark house (the power's always out) listening to your neighbors patio furniture (or visiting relatives as the earlier post indicates) hit your house....


Jay

Re: Tryin' to reason with hurricane season [Re: jaybird1111] #154696
09/12/08 10:29 PM
09/12/08 10:29 PM
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 290
Pensacola, Florida / Katy, Tex...
Cookie Monster Offline
enthusiast
Cookie Monster  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 290
Pensacola, Florida / Katy, Tex...


Don Cook ARC22 #2226 ADRENALIN
Re: Tryin' to reason with hurricane season [Re: jaybird1111] #154697
09/12/08 10:50 PM
09/12/08 10:50 PM
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 5,582
“an island in the Pacifi...
hobie1616 Offline
Carpal Tunnel
hobie1616  Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 5,582
“an island in the Pacifi...
Hurricanes here in Hawaii will do one of two things. The first type will get big and head directly for the islands but peter out before getting close.

The second type will pass well to the south, make a hard right turn, and nail Poipu Beach on Kauai. Twice.


US Sail Level 2 Instructor
US Sail Level 3 Coach
Re: Tryin' to reason with hurricane season [Re: hobie1616] #154698
09/13/08 05:34 AM
09/13/08 05:34 AM
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 342
Indianapolis, IN - Midwest USA...
IndyWave Offline
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IndyWave  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 342
Indianapolis, IN - Midwest USA...
There's always a price for paradise, no matter where you go. <img src="http://www.catsailor.com/forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


What - Me Worry?


2006 Hobie Wave 7358
"Ish Kabibble"

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