Mary,
You made an interesting point about the way women learn:
a. seem to get a feel for the boat faster than men do?
b. pay more attention to instruction than men do? (And is that because women know what they don't know, whereas men think directions aren't that important and they can figure it out for themselves?)
I taught skiing in Vail for nine seasons and in the majority of cases when I had a husband and wife in the same class who skied at about the same level, the wife improved more quickly. This was due, in part, to most women's style of using technique rather than brute force and ignorance. It also had a snowball effect: the wife felt satisfaction and accomplishment, therefore could relax and continue to improve, while the husband just got more and more pissed off that the wife was doing better, and therefore he was distracted and couldn't learn.
I also noticed that husbands who tried to teach wives how to ski almost always failed miserably. I could see them from the lift. The semi-competent husband is shouting direction at the wife as she stumbles down some beginner run. The wife gets sick of being shouted at and heads to the lodge for a coctail (or to sign up for a ski lesson) and the husband goes his own way.
Apply this to sailing and you might see a similar situation. Since it's a male-dominated sport, it's usually the men (husbands?) teaching women how to sail. Since it's easier to teach from the helm, where you can see what's going on, women first learn to crew. The men, who hate to relinquish control, don't bother to teach the helm position, and the women remain intimidated by the mystery of stearing and are satisfied with the progress they make at sail handling. It's also often a male skipper who is still learning who tries to coach a female crew and scares her so badly with his mistakes that she's affraid of taking the helm.
In cases where I've raced against women drivers, they have been very competitive and unafraid. In one case, a woman in our H-20 fleet called up the top sailor (a man) at the start and forced him over early. He was furious and told her that she wasn't supposed to do that and threatened to "come after her twice as hard next time." His ego was obviously bruised and she was hurt that someone she thought was a mentor would turn on her for making an agressive, but totally appropriate move.
I hate to support stereotypes, but perhaps it's an overly aggressive male ego that unconsciously keeps women off of the helm.
